My ‘aha’ moment with the big O (8 keys for effortless, expansive & blissful orgasms)

This post is for anyone who wants to create more pleasure for their (or their partner's) pussy.

I’ve been reading the hilarious comic Sex Criminals again. Brilliant stuff.

Sex Criminals comic. Hilarious. Cheeky. Adventurous.

Sex Criminals comic. Hilarious. Cheeky. Adventurous.

Jazmine, one of the characters, describes chasing her elusive orgasm: 

It’s like trying to catch a goldfish barehanded.

I hear you, Jaz.

For some of us with pussies, orgasms are hard to find. For others, they are accessible, but we still reeeeeeach to get there.

We and our partners often treat female orgasms like work: we’re on the hunt for them, chasing them down with ferocity. We put in the measured steps to ensure we get the outcome. 

We effort ourselves to get there. We tense up, contracting to find release.

We also feel guilty if the orgasms take too long to find. This either causes us get even more in our head and makes it harder to find the elusive orgasm, or shallows-out the orgasmic experience.

And you know what? 

Treating your orgasm like work, hunting for it, contracting to amplify sensation actually minimises the pleasure. Not only is the pleasure shallower, but there are also so many different types of experiences you can have if you let the orgasm find you.

Yep, if you let the orgasm find you.

I had my first ‘aha’ moment with this a couple of years ago.

I realised that I often decided when it was time to orgasm and I’d go about making that happen.

And it did. ‘Twas nice. Did a good job.

And then I thought, what if I let go? What if I stopped controlling my orgasm? What if I stopped telling it when and where and how to dance?

What if I surrendered to the pleasure, rather than control it?

So I tried it.

And Jesus. H. Christ. Freakin’ amazing.

It was all feeling pretty awesome and then all of a sudden, I could feel this wave building inside me. Long waves of intense pleasure happened upon me, radiating through my whole body. 

And then again. And again. And again. For ages. Without me controlling anything.

Surprise! The orgasm found me. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt.

Surprise! The orgasm found me. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt.

The pleasure was a new, cell-shaking variety I’d never experience before. It was super delicious, technicoloured, shifting. It made me feel super connected with myself, my partner, the universe. Bliss. It felt a bit like taking drugs!

Rather than feeling depleted and worn out after sex (albeit happy), I felt really freaking alive, radiant, calm, connected. 

And then I laughed cos, WTF was that!

I didn’t know orgasms could feel like that.

And that’s just the thing. By not controlling the orgasm, the possibility of different flavours, tempos, depths is opened. 

There were a few simple things I did to set myself up for this kind of experience that I’ll share with you!

And of course, I encourage you to experience pleasure however you like—there are no 'shoulds'. You don't have to orgasm like this every time. However, this practice of letting go of control offers a chance to expand your orgasm potential. Let yourself really surrender. Trust. Travel to new blissful territories with your body (and your lover).

8 keys for effortless, expansive and blissful orgasms

Image credit: Concentração Invertida

Image credit: Concentração Invertida

For people with pussies, these are things you can do for yourself during self-pleasuring or intimacy with a partner. For people who romantically connect with pussies, you can support your partner to do these things.

Before the bedroom

1. Notice our cultural obsession with climaxing

Notice how culturally obsessed we are with orgasms. Women’s and men’s magazines are all about ‘how to make her come in 5 steps’; with huffing and puffing, music, movies and porn are infatuated with the climax. It’s no wonder we’ve taken this to the bedroom too. 

Not to worry though: noticing this stuff is the first step.

2. Pleasure is pleasure is pleasure: redefining orgasm

In Orgasm Unleashed: your guide to pleasure, healing and power, author and sexual healer Eyal Matsliah talks about the orgasmic spectrum. He notes that we typically see orgasm as the peak of pleasure, but really, every pleasurable experience is a mini-orgasm. 

For women who struggle to orgasm, this is really profound. You’re already orgasming. Whether it’s the pleasure of a delicious cake you’re eating, seeing a great painting, or massage, or anal stimulation, you’re already on the orgasm spectrum. 

When you recognise pleasure as orgasmic, your experience of your body, sexuality and orgasms will transform. You are no longer focused or dependent on a strong peak of orgasm.
— Eyal Matsliah, Orgasm Unleashed

Instead, you are able to enjoy the subtleties and depths of so much more.

3. Open up to different types of orgasm

There are many different types of orgasms. A variety of them can be experienced from nearly every part of your body (e.g. feet, neck, breasts), as well as your heart, mind, and energy. Orgasmic states can happen in short bursts (often if they’re clitoral) or last for minutes, hours or longer. 

The potential is huge.

Eyal goes into depth on the different types of orgasm, but in short think of orgasm as a landscape. There are peaks, bigger hills, and plateaus. 

“A peak orgasm is like the summit of a mountain. For some it’s easy to reach the peak. For others, its difficult or impossible.” 

Hills are a gentle and fairly easy climb to the top and you can stay up there awhile. They’re mild, but not super long orgasmic states.

Plateaus take some time to travel to, but once you’re there, you’re high up and blissed out. These are strong and long orgasmic states.

Most of us are practiced at peak orgasms, or experience elements of hill and plateau orgasms, but discount it as ‘pleasure’ rather than welcoming it as orgasmic. There is nothing wrong with ‘peak’ orgasms, but there are a full range of orgasmic states to experience.

Rather than seeing orgasm as a peak, try to see it as a state. When you see it this way, you open the door to many kinds of experiences that can continue for minutes, hours, or even days.
— Eyal Matsliah, Orgasm Unleashed

In the bedroom

4. Relax into the pleasure

This is number one. Eyal says, “relaxing is the single most import attitude or so-called ‘technique’ for orgasming.” 

Often, we’ve been taught to hasten an orgasm by tensing our bodies. Or we stiffen with the intensity. The trick is to let your body relax into the orgasm. This is about a mental and physical state of ease, not effort. Let go of expectations.

Keep your body soft, rather than tense. Tension is what the body does in defense or stress. Tension in the body constricts movement of pleasure and energy. 

If you feel yourself starting to tense up or clench at any point including intense orgasm states: use breath, sound and movement to stay loose (Tantric cornerstones). Breathe deeply into your belly, let out sounds (as if they’re coming from deep in your belly) and keep your hips and joints moving fluidly. Pause to re-set if you need to.

Lying on your back and with legs butterflied open (bent knees with feet together) softens your groin and helps your relax muscles.

Do whatever else you need to help yourself chill out (mindfulness practices, music, reminders that you're safe to relax).

5. Trust and surrender

Letting go and letting yourself melt into the experience is essential for orgasmic states. Control constricts orgasms.

What do you need to feel totally safe to let go? Some words? Time together? Giving yourself permission to free-wheel? 

Do that.

Let your heart open. Be seen. Don't worry what your face looks like. Cry if it feels good. Make sound. Laugh.

Let. Go. 

And trust your orgasm to take you on an adventure. 

6. Invite your full body, full genitals and full Self into orgasm-land

Your whole body is orgasmic. Neck, breasts, feet, anus, cervix, inner thighs, wrists... Touch, kiss, stroke, stimulate, pull, rub everywhere that feels good for you. Remember that your heart, mind, and energy are orgasmic too. Engage those, make love to those.

7. Take time

Remember that all pleasure is orgasmic—there is no rush to get anywhere. You’re already orgasming.

Take the time to journey the orgasmic landscape. Discover new topographies. Smells. Sights. Sensations... 

Deeper and more expansive orgasms (i.e. plateaux orgasms) have a longer build up. If you feel yourself running for the finish line, slow down or pause. Sometimes going faster can be habitual—it’s all we’ve ever done! 

Take a breath. Make sound, shimmy and shake your body. And slowly keep adventuring.

8. Have patience, take it easy, experiment

As it did with me, it might take a few goes to really surrender to the pleasure. Every step counts. 

Even just knowing you can relax and the orgasms can find you is powerful. It's where it all began for me.

And of course, this is all an experiment. Life, sex, all of it. Experience pleasure however you like—there are no 'shoulds'. I don't choose to orgasm like this all the time. But knowing that I can and letting myself experience the full orgasmic spectrum is amazing.

Let yourself play, be loved, experience bliss.

If you’d like to explore female orgasm in more detail, I highly recommend Orgasm Unleashed: your guide to pleasure, healing and power by Eyal Matsliah.

TL;DR: Rather than hunting for your orgasm, let it find you. This opens up IMMENSE pleasure potential. Effortless and delicious.

Cover image credit: Concentração Invertida