We saw a shamanic healer (bakci) in Uzbekistan. She was 80+, Muslim, and had few teeth left... Her heart was open and true, like a baby’s face.
When you stand before her, you’re naked. She doesn’t look at your eyes, she looks through them and sees the things you’d prefer to hide.
In Russian she said to me, “You want to cry, but you don’t let yourself.”
Still softly holding my gaze, she began to weep.
I wondered why she was crying.
“I cry because you don’t.”
I saw my tears falling down her cheeks and I felt so exposed. My vulnerability was right there for everyone to see.
I felt a pang of shame.
Despite keeping up a sweet demeanour to get through the days, I’d been feeling really low the last week. All sorts of tightness and insecurity knotting up my heart and belly. Petty jealousy! Fear that I’m eternally defunct.
Inside I’m thinking, ‘I don’t let myself cry because I’m sick of crying — I want to feel something else. I want to feel something elsssse! I’m afraid if I let myself truly cry this time, I’ll not stop. I’ll feel this way forever. I feel unfixable.’
I’m also thinking, ‘how did this babushka strip me naked in less than two seconds?’
She could see through me. She could see that I was denying what I was feeling and smiling thinly instead.
I’d forgotten that until we let ourselves feel emotion FULLY, we remain its slave.
It’s a bit like trying to push down an air balloon in a pool of water. It takes effort. It’s impossible to keep up for long. It doesn’t just dissolve under there — the balloon will pop up eventually.
Sometimes we can fear that the emotion is more powerful than we are. That we will perish if we truly feel what’s happening.
Also not true. What we resist, persists. We unconsciously feed what we deny with our energy. And if we just let ourselves meet it with openness, we discover that our power, love and potential is infinitely larger than this thing. Our true nature is infinite and we can let this thing move through us.
This Babushka reminded me that in order to be free, I must FEEL.
As much as I was trying to avoid feeling this stuff, I just had to.
All of it.
Like a young child expressing fully, immediately, and without self-censorship.
She prayed for me and did her energetic healing work.
I thanked her and went home.
I brewed with the experience. Felt her words echoing in my mind. I also felt my Chantelle Raven, my mentors and ISTA — major advocates for the power of feeeeeeling what’s happening.
And then I took myself into an emotional release process.
With me, some pillows and my helping spirits, I spent some moments meditating and then I let rip.
I kicked and beat the sh_t out of some pillows.
I blew up with my own fury.
This f_cking sucks!
I sweated. I snotted.
I asked these hidden parts of myself questions and received answers.
I gave these hidden parts of myself the attention and love they were craving.
I felt my heart break. Open.
I felt truth coarsing through me.
I felt the voltage of my infinite heart.
I felt myself in a fabric of support.
I felt lightness.
I felt focus.
I felt trust.
I felt whole. Full. ALIVE.
Thank you bare-hearted babushka for reminding me (again!!) that emotions are not to be resisted. Though they may be intense, painful, thick and fast, emotions are not bad, overpowering, or dangerous.
They only become toxic when we deny them. Emotions go rancid when we don’t give them air. Emotions are actually much more manageable when we just allow ourselves to feel them when they’re fresh.
When I gave myself this space to feel, I discovered why I was feeling this way. I was then able to give myself what I needed. Encouragement. Tenderness. Space. Reassurance. Emotions hold information that emerges only when we feel them consciously. We gain power when we feel and emotions them move. This is self-mastery, self-parenting, self-love.
So, the invitation is rather than distract yourself or do something ‘important’ instead, just feel! What’s going on? Sit down, breathe. Feel it. Let yourself cry. Turn on some music and dance it through your system. Get some pillows and bash the bajeezus out of them. Scream into your hands. Stomp. Laugh. Release!! Maybe it takes you 30 seconds. Maybe it takes you 30 minutes, but whatever is needed, be generous with yourself, as you would a friend.
Dear human-you, this practice will get you unstuck, free-flowing and connected to a deeper power within you. Especially if you allow yourself to do it regularly, when emotions come up.
To your freedom and flow!
For support on getting emotionally unblocked and detoxing your full system, contact me for a 1:1 session. We’ll use breath, sound, movement, visualisation and shamanic methods to clear away what’s not serving you and reignite your light, power, and ease.