There’s great wounding and resentment between men and women. It’s a vicious circle: who is the first to say sorry? Both sides feel hurt and wounded. Both sides demand respect. We stand in front of each other with closed and wounded hearts, so there is no resolution.
This problem has manifested on the outside, but it’s origins come from within us. We can’t move forward until we personally find compassion: to see all sides as equal, that both sides are hurt. It’s not about who’s right and wrong.
It’s easy for women to see how we’ve been wronged my patriarchy. It’s tangible with salary gaps, domestic abuse, sexual pressure. It’s visible. But we lack compassion for men. Men are under huge oppression under patriarchy too.
Let’s redefine what patriarchy is
It’s not about men oppressing women, it’s about a system of domination and control of fear. The fear is of the unknown. It’s the same for men and women alike, though it’s expressed differently. Patriarchy allows us to be aggressive and blame and project onto others. We feel victimized and privileged to say THEY are wrong.
How is patriarchy produced and reproduced? Who’s raising the boys that become the patriarchal men? Do mothers, fathers, teachers and friends allow young boys to express their more feminine qualities? To be sensitive, emotional, sad, exuberant, delicate, not knowing and unsure, soft, creatively playful… No.
From the beginning men and women alike train boys—who become men—to be harsh and disconnected from their inner feminine. It results in them developing an out-of-touch and out-of-balance masculine who becomes a harsh bully: violent, and aggressive.
We are all conditioned together. We need to start looking at the bigger picture. We have to understand what the history is behind people’s actions. We need to look at the collective perspective too.
What in me is that is being reflected on the outside?
As above so below; as within so without. Everything we see ‘out there’ is a mirror image of our inner ecosystem. We need to find the inner resolution in order to find out resolution. We cannot find answers to our current issues by operating at the same level of consciousness. We need to upgrade our consciousness. We need to start thinking from the higher perspective.
Let’s ask ourselves why cannot I note find the right partner? Why do I feel abused? If I keep pointing my finger ‘out there’ to all men, politics, and past relationships, I won’t solve anything. I will just become more resentful and bitter.
What happened in my life that caused this wounding? How can I heal it? How can I clear my system of this experience? How can I personally start to trust men again?
Women need to address their inner masculine. Cis-women project inner masculine on men; cis-men project inner feminine on women. If we want to heal our connection with the other gender, we need to find connection with our own inner self.
If I think all men are untrustworthy, predatory, and out for themselves, let me check in on my inner masculine: is he protecting my feminine, am I standing up for myself? Am I expressing my values? Am I standing by my word? Am I respectful to myself, my body, my sexuality, my needs? Am I going for what I honestly want? Am I taking care for the bigger picture beyond me, myself, and I? Am I present enough with my emotions?
Taking self-responsibility: I realize that I too am Donald Trump
Caitlyn shared with me that throughout university, where she became passionate about supporting those that society marginalized. This included women. Her feminist passion bloomed. During an experience at ISTA (where there is a day dedicated to exploring and healing the inner feminine and the inner masculine), she realized that she absolutely detested the masculine and all men. Even though she had a wonderful father, guy friends and boyfriends, she realized that she felt anyone with a penis was a threat.
She had to acknowledge, “I hate men.” She moved the emotion through and out of her body. She noticed where she was also embodying those things that she detested in the masculine…
Caitlyn hated how the unhealthy masculine takes what it pleases from the earth. Raping the earth. And then she realized how much she was doing that to her own body. Our body is a metaphor for the earth. She was forcing her body into slavery when she worked till midnight, and didn’t let herself eat because she wanted to be thinner, or didn’t give myself time and space to feel sad.
Whatever we project outside, we need to address inside.
So, she felt angry at Donald Trump, but she could see how she does the same as Trump.
When she brings her awareness to it, she sees that she too acts in those exact same ways, but just expressed differently. Caitlyn told me that realizing this, she felt such compassion for those people that she ruthlessly judged and made wrong…
She simply didn’t realize what a cruel fool she was being.
Everyone is a mirror to one another.
The question we must ask ourselves is, ‘where am I Trump?’
It’s not about fighting and being an activist pointing fingers… the intention is good, but we cannot bring peace by fighting. It’s impossible to bring peace through war! Even if I have a good purpose, I create war, if I fight. To change anything, I need to find the conflict within myself and where I am the oppressor, the rapist, the Trump. And then I bring action with compassion. I understand how I unconsciously caused harm on myself and others… And then I bring a healthy masculine, I can say “STOP. This is not okay.”
The privatization of children
The privatization of children is relevant here. There’s a sense of “my land, my women, my children.” And so we leave people to live their life. We say, “it’s their business.” This is all separation. It’s all our children, our planet, our land. I will speak up and intervene if I see someone doing something publically that’s not okay.
It starts in childhood: parents think they own their kids. They want to raise them to be good kids according to their own values. They allow themselves to be violent, sometimes just because they’re tired or overwhelmed. But other people should speak up and state their boundaries, “It’s not okay, perhaps you need support, let’s do this differently.”
The biggest problem in our world is being neutral, “I don’t care, it’s not my business, I have my own problems”. But then the unresolved problems of others create an avalanche and it finally is my personal problem!
Be engaged. It’s not about imposing your values, but it’s about being available to respond. We’re all in this together!
The healthy feminine is about being able to express yourself. We want to raise the health and maturity of both the feminine and masculine.
We’ve lost our ability to express ourselves, to be who we are. We’re so conditioned and suffocated. So many do’s and don’ts. We’re bombarded with billions of messages of who we should be. We barely have a chance to discover who we really are because we’re told, “you’re too noisy, you’re too loud, you’re too quiet, you’re too sexual.” We’re always too little or too much.
The public education tells you who children who they should be rather than raising their inner curiosity so they can ask, “who am I and how can I express myself in the world?” Instead, it’s an imposed system of belief. Anywhere you go in the world, you go to school and get told who should be, “adjust yourself or be silent.”
We need to rethink how we invite people to this planet. This includes the birth system and the education system. The foundation of how humans start life on this planet! If we take care of that, everything else will take its natural consequence. If we invite new beings with a sense of, “welcome, I don’t know who you are. I’m here to assist you. I’m not here to correct or fix you. I’m not here to impose my limited beliefs on you. I’m here to grow with you.” Then it’s totally different! We all come into a place of an open mind, curious heart, a body vibrating with life…
Creating a New Earth
Democracy is a system of control and domination — you are not invited to be yourself. I, Estera, am passionate about creating a New Earth: a holistic, new system of life that allows people to be who they are. But first, we need to find out who we are. We have no idea! We have no space, time, or patience to allow ourselves to be dirty, make ‘mistakes’, to fall down and get up. We need space to experiment. We need to start from early childhood, the beginning.
In this way, our sexuality is naturally flowering. Our sexuality empowers us. Our self-confidence grows with it. We feel self-empowered, open. We don’t feel we are making mistakes: we are experimenting. There is no cut and dried ‘recipe’ for a good life.
To create ecstatic community, we need to heal our inner masculine and feminine
We need a safe space with the ability to express ourselves.
We cannot create a healthy community with empowered spaces for women and men if our materials are toxic. We need to have a healthy strong inner masculine and feminine to create the kind of world we want.
The core of all suffering is fixation. It could be healing, growth, and pleasure that we’re fixated on, but the moment we become hooked, we start grasping. That’s the beginning of the suffering.
Tender power and trusting the Great Perfection of life
What’s important is to set up your direction and goal, but make space for other possibilities as well. Don’t fixate too much on the goal; enjoy the way. Don’t pay attention to the ups or down, pay attention to the middle way. There are moments of enthusiasm and happiness; there are moments of depression, despair and sadness. It’s part of human experience.
If we can find the middle between the polarization, we open to simplicity and kindness. We find gratitude for life as it is, no matter if I’m up or down. There is an understanding that right now I may be happy and tomorrow I may be sad (and the opposite is true). Everything is flowing! You can never step into the same river twice…
People can be so attached to inner healing, growth, changing culture, fixing the world’s problems. Through this we create a culture of spiritual materialism. Our ego grows because we achieve so much. We build our identity on something our mind values as ‘better’ (because it’s spiritual), but it’s the same mechanism of achievement and ladder climbing.
The purpose of growth is to loosen the grip so things can come in and out. Breath in, breath out. We tend to want to keep the beautiful moments and push away the uncomfortable moments. Through this we lose freedom and kindness. We must discover tender power: power to manifest, stand up for yourself and others, but with tenderness, patience, smiling, gentleness. Relaxing into the unknown. Trusting that in each moment, I’m already there.
It’s difficult to have this consciousness in difficult moments. That’s why we need community: to hold us in challenging moments and remind us of who we are; and to also celebrate with us our joys.
Creating a New Earth means coming back to community, back to tribe. We are individuals, but we need each other. We need to be reflected, share joys and tears. It’s a basic human experience that we’ve lost through patriarchy.
You must relax your way to reach change. Trusting in the process, the natural unfolding and blooming… You can’t force your way into change. Just like you can’t struggle your way into falling asleep.
It’s about wisdom and understanding that it’s already perfect as it is. The Great Perfection manifests itself through different forms. We judge them as more or less developed, but they’re manifestations of the same principle of life. We just have preferences.
For some people it’s easier to renounce the mundane life and be more solitary. But there comes the time that we must integrate our spiritual development. We must eventually come down from the meditation cave on the mountain to the market place and find the same stillness, even in the chaos of the market.
This is the integration of spiritual maturity: to integrate into daily life. For me the biggest challenge is with children and daily life. It’s easier to be spiritual in the quiet, but how to discover the mystical core even when you’re being pulled in all different directions by a young family... This is a Tantric path: in the intensity discover stillness and silence. Because Tantra is about the polarities unifying into one, finding stillness and silence co-exist and can even be better expressed through sound and expression.
Light can be best received in darkness… we can see star light only in the night.
The personal and collective is the same. My personal life is the expression of the collective and vice versa. If I’m mindful with myself, I know what will be happening with the world, because it’s already happening in me, in my body, in my life.
I can do my healing and change through my personal life. If I change my life, I change the collective. We must bring all our perspectives together. I must also operate in the bigger picture: donate money, do my work in the world, help shift people’s awareness.
As within, so without
With the Amazon, why is it burning? Why is climate change happening? It’s fire, imbalanced fire. It’s the age of imbalanced fire. On the alchemy level, the union of water and fire is needed. Where are we missing water? It’s symbolic of tenderness, innocence, slowing down, spaciousness, emotion, not being reactive… Where am I being imbalanced in my fire: rushing, pushing, demanding, being focused on goals? If billions of people all live our lives with so much rush and agenda, it manifests as fire, war, an overheating climate.
What can I do? I can donate money, I can stop eating meat (because the clearing of forest is for agriculture), change my habits, and think about my own inner fire. Where is there unexpressed lust, anger, joy? Where am I too harsh? Where am I missing water qualities which are more gentle? Where am I throwing balls of fire at the opposite gender? How can I bring balance? In terms of sexuality, we’re so fire-driven. For a woman to allow her waters to flow, to ejaculate, she needs to let go. That allows the waters to flow. This water melts with fire and creates peace, opens my heart.
Same with men, ask yourself, where are you hungry for sex? Where are you holding back your desires and attractions? Where am I throwing balls of fire at the opposite gender? Suppression and inner tension contract the fire so eventually bursts out in anger.. How can I let the fire move through my veins, how can I be courageous to follow my desires in a wise and mature way.
This is what we can do for the environment!
We need to call in the healthy masculine to say “it’s not okay to be violent with one another. Even if I’m hurt, it doesn’t give me the right to be violent.” We need to open to our vulnerable innocent heart and be able to say, “ it hurts!” rather than “you stupid bitch!”
The art of adoration and the inner predator
We’ve lost the power of innocence as well as the art of adoration. I think it’s because of religion. Being in awe of beauty, adoration, is an innocent act, but religion started to judge it. The core of religion is ecstasy, but this misunderstood by the church.
People get offended by cat calling on the street and that kind of behavior. It’s not okay to do that, or speak aggressively to people. But somewhere at the core of cat-calling and that kind of behaviour, there is adoration of the feminine. Because of the man’s own hurt in his, he has become disconnected from his own feminine and ability to maturely communicate his attraction, his awe.
What he wants to say is, “wow, you’re so beautiful”, but he has no idea how to do it. He was conditioned to objectify women and treat them like animals. But given the chance, given the education, we can come to a place of men maturely offering authentic adoration and women receiving it without fear of being abused. In this place, there is a great softening, a great innocence in the relating between men and women.
Caitlyn shared with me about her realization that she was a predator: even as a 26 year old, very cute, and very feminist young woman. She was at her first ISTA retreat and was encouraged to notice whoever she gets triggered by as a reflection of herself. As in, the people who made her hairs stand on end are actually are a mirror image of something within herself…
The predators in the group triggered Caitlyn! But she couldn't see how she was a predator as a sweet feminist young woman? She was so innocent! She was the victim! Until some days later she caught herself looking at the super attractive and super cool facilitator and thinking, “sex, sex, sex, I want to have sex with you.”
She realized, “OMG, I’m doing the predator thing. This is what people do when they look at me!
She saw that her predatory behavior was not because she was gross, deviant, and disrespectful, she just wanted to worship this man. He was so beautiful and cool and sexy.
She built up the courage to take him aside and let him know her realization. She apologized if she, a cute 26 year old feminist, made him feel like a piece of meat. Their friendship deepened so much in that moment. It was real intimacy, into-me-you-see.
She told me that an image of a flower on a bush came to her. She said, “I don’t have to pick the flower to enjoy it (‘make it mine’), I can just enjoy it by admiring it on the bush (admire from afar).”
From that point on, Caitlyn no longer feared predators.
People are stuck. We don’t know how to express or receive adoration and awe. We are afraid that the adoring person wants something from us, that we’re obliged somehow. We’re afraid that the person receiving the compliment will require us to go deeper with them. No! Let’s just express our celebration. There is no expectation. Be spontaneous as a child that says, “mama, look at the beautiful rainbow!”. It’s a high frequency joy, like the unencumbered joy of a dolphin.
You must be strong in your masculine power. Create safety for yourself. Know and clearly state your boundaries. Feel your guts, your balls, to say out loud of what you want.
And with this self-responsibility, compassion, and gentle power, let the relationship between men and women find peace. Here comes the New Earth!
About the author
Estera Saraswati is a transformational catalyst, sacred activist, and a guide towards self-empowerment, freedom and compassion. With a background in Tantric Buddhism and temple arts, she is passionate about building a New Earth community without violence, where sexual energy is understood as sacred, the body is experienced as a temple, and committed, kind people share a common vision to manifest a better world for all. Deeply caring about all beings and our planet, Estera is a visionary and a midwife of new paradigm realities and healing spaces.
Estera supports people to free their life force and wisely access power for the benefit of all beings. Birth and death are at the core of her offerings along with sacred sexuality, temple and Tantric arts, shadow transformation and community building. A heart-warrior, she stands up for the sacred and reclamation of feminine and phallus power.
Exploring the intersections between spirituality, and different disciplines like art, technology, education, permaculture, and psychology, Estera supports people to find sacred living and respectful attunement with the subtle manifestations of life. She is interested in long-term growth, encouraging individual responsibility and understanding one’s place in a larger interconnected consciousness. Estera and her team are currently establishing a living community of sacred activists and artists.
Estera is engaged with and inspired by a number of communities dedicated to personal and collective metamorphosis: Tamera (through long term community building a new imprint of love free from fear) and Tara Mandala (restoring the only female spiritual lineage in Vajrayana, Tantric Buddhism).
Estera was born in Warsaw in Poland and currently lives in Sweden. Her nationality is planetarian.