Ok, this is about self-pleasuring. Masturbating. Mindfully.
I first came across the idea of masturbating mindfully when I did sessions with a Tantric sexological bodyworker. My homework was to self-pleasure with awareness. Best homework ever! haha. It was new to me, but it made sense: self-pleasuring as more than just getting off or getting to sleep. Self-pleasuring as really making love to yourself. By yourself. Self-pleasuring as a self-loving, soul-nourishing practice.
It’s a bit like the dance meditation you received when you first signed up (if you haven't yet, get it here!). It’s a moving practice (you’re not just sitting there completely still) and you let your body guide you (rather than your mind). There’s a lot of pleasure and fun.
Ok, let's dive deeper.
Not sure if you’ve noticed, but there's a strange similarity between capitalism and the way we masturbate. Both are obsessed with efficiency and products. Work+produce and do it fast! Likewise, we masturbate real quick. One goal: coming. Get there pronto.
One of my most mind-blowing experiences EVER was when I slowed it right down. Removed the agenda. And made love to myself. With all the deliciousness, generosity, love and time that I would give to my partner when we’d have sex.
Basically I masturbated with an awareness of how I actually wanted to be touched. The places, speed and firmness. I had the intention of bringing pleasure to my body (however that might look, e.g. massaging my tight thigh, tickling my neck) and let go of the goal of quickly orgasming.
This is what I got out of self-pleasuring with awareness:
Pleasure. So much more than I realised. Bringing awareness to the sensations, I could really feel and enjoy, intensely. I could give myself pleasure exactly how I wanted it.
Play. There was this immense feeling of possibility. Aliveness. Hilariousness. When I released the single goal of quickly orgasming, there was so much potential for all sorts of pleasure.
Love. Love, generosity and care are often directed toward your lover. Self pleasuring in this new way, I directed this toward myself. I didn’t even know I could do that! I felt so connected to myself. I kinda got a crush! Powerful, esp for a girl who had major body image issues, depression, etc. at the time.
(During my first mindful masti, I actually cried for half an hour and pretty much had a love-orgasm. Best therapy+healing ever. Life. Changed.)
Power. It amazed me that I could give myself the love, pleasure, relaxation and joy that I had depended on others giving me. And it’s me, so it’s always on tap!
It’s amazing how this practice affected my self-worth, confidence, easy-goingness, sexiness.
This kind of self-pleasuring also transformed the way I made love.
One of the best sex moves is possibility. Feeling like an adventure could happen (rather than the predictable 1. kiss, 2. hands, 3. oral, 4. penetration, 5. nap). This practice allows you to let go of agendas and open up the scope for adventure...
Being able to feel fully alive and turned on in your own body is fundamental to great sex with a partner. Satisfying yourself and then connecting with partners from a place of desire (I want you!) and not neediness (I need you to solve my lack) is big too.
O god, and so much more…
Would you like to experience incredible pleasure like never before? Here’s a guide:
Set aside half an hour. The first 25 minutes is active pleasuring, the last five are relaxing and reflecting. Don’t skimp out on this. (Note: your computer isn't invited)
- Make a nice little space—as if for a lover that you’re trying to impress (you!). Lighting, rugs, warmth, etc.
- Lying down, close your eyes and begin to meditate like normal. Become aware of your breath, thoughts, sensations in your body.
- When you’re ready, start gently caressing your skin with the love, tenderness, intensity as you would with your lover. Go for the unusual/yummy places – knees, inner thighs, neck, wrists (don’t go straight for your crotch!)...
- Listen to your body. How does it want to be touched? Slower? Firmer? Touch it like that. Be the lover you long for.
- Move as if you are with this lover. Seduce yourself. Squeeze your ankles. Slip your straps off. Flip yourself over! Let your fingers dig in, pull, caress. Make love to yourself. Don’t be shy!
- Keep touching yourself, everywhere. Jaw, ass, waist…
- Welcome arousal and include your genitals if that’s what your body wants. Let your body (not your mind) guide. Do you want to be really. fucking. softlyyyyyy. entered? Feel a really gentle grip? Something else? Do that. Make love to yourself exactly how you want.
- Be generous. You’re not trying to come as quick as you can. You’re here to feel pleasure… play. Explore. What else feels good? What else can I try?
- After 25 minutes or so, bring your love-making to a close and have a five-minute post-sex snuggle with yourself. Relax, reflect. How was that for you? How did you feel?
The first few times I did it, my body wanted to go to stage two only. (Not what I expected.) I went really slowly and I didn’t even end up touching my cooch... and it felt fucking amazing!!!! As I said, I cried. It was the first time I’d ever given myself love so actively, generously.
So you know, you’re totally free to come. It’s just that orgasm is not the objective. The intention is play. Pleasure. Connection. Adventure. Love. Awareness. Hot fucking. With yourself. Or whatever you want! And if you come, fun.
Also, if you currently don’t masturbate at all because it’s something you just don’t do/you don’t turn yourself on, perhaps this could be an opportunity to try it out. Explore.
So, your homework for your spiritual/life practice: self pleasure.
How fun! Enjoy xx
P.S. There are lots of conscious self-pleasuring practices—I’ll share more in future emails. Be sure to sign up to the SexyLove Project blog so you don't miss out.