How do you feel about surrender? Control? In regular life and in the bedroom?
In the bedroom, surrender used to feel really icky for me. I was afraid it undermined my dignity as a woman or something. I felt like I should be holding a karate pose all the time (figuratively), which means I should Be. In. Control. I found it difficult to relax and let go...
In my life, surrender has also been a real pain (and sometimes still is!). For ages I was really afraid of the unknown. Afraid of not being able to control things… This fear led my choices: where I went, what I studied, how much I ate, etc…
In the bedroom, being in control also scared me shitless: doing stuff meant potentially doing it wrong/unskillfully/out of time/etc. Which would be embarrassing, tiring or un-fun. And sometimes I also felt being in control was gross: like it was not respectful or kind to the other person.
In my life, I was afraid that I couldn’t really take control! That things would always be out of my control! My actions wouldn’t be fruitful. And that was scary.
So… I wanted to control some things and was terrified I couldn’t. Letting go was scary. Simultaneously I was doubtful that could have an effect - I didn’t trust my power. Gah!
Making friends with Surrender
After a few different workshops, experiments, books, meditations, chats, and time, I realised the power of surrender. How fucking awesome it is to totally let go and trust yourself and someone else. Feel totally safe to relaaaaax and let someone take you places you haven’t been before… Contrary to what I thought, surrender is empowering.
Unexpectedly, when I made friends with surrender in the bedroom, I ended up making friends with it in my life too. Through practising letting go in a really practical way, I realised I could let go and trust life. And I was doing it!
That’s the awesome thing with this stuff (and yoga, drama class, archery, whatever you do). The deep things you learn can affect you deeply as a person. Which is cool.
Making friends with Control
And I realised the beauty of control. That you can serve your lover through being in control: you’re the adventure guide! It’s also creative, playful and fun. There’s massive opportunity for confidence and when you let yourself take control...
Which I’ve also invited into my life. Feeling like I can be the adventure guide. Like I’ve got this! It's totally affected my choices.
And of course it’s the balance of these two things… Surrender and Control. I've noticed for me, being friends with them both is massively important for a full, tasty, resilient (and sexy!) life.
Here's a little homeplay exercise...
The funny thing is, we actually surrender and take control everyday. Healing, growing, strengthening your relationship with both can start with just becoming mindful of when you're letting go and taking action—really observing and seeing how much pleasure you can take in it...
It's all the same really, so the freedom and pleasure you find in this stuff is the same you take to the bedroom :)
1. Observe letting go: Like when you feel warm wind on your skin, in your hair. And just letting it brush past you, moving your hair, clothes.. Water falling over you when showering. Lying down and listening to music, letting it wash over you.
2. Observe taking action: Making you lunch! Feeling your hand decisively cut into the tomato! Deciding to wear that blue t-shirt. Arranging that trip. Making tea.
Feeeeel your action. Your surrender.... :)