My friend has started a new relationship… Tres exciting.
He sent me a message asking for Tantric advice for him and his new lover.
In particular, he said he wanted some introductory “Tantric stuff” to:
- Deal with performance pressure—having to become aroused quickly, but not orgasm too quickly or too late (for male and female-bodied partners).
- Ensure your partner is enjoying things.
- Bring pizzaz, excitement, and newness into sexy times.
- Break down awkwardness that can exist in a new couple, including ideas for good communication in bed.
This stuff totally makes sense to me. Definitely been here before!
Here are 4 Tantra-inspired tools to help couples (fresh and long-time ones!) dissolve performance issues & awkwardness and create space for delicious, real, and intense intimacy.
#1 Get out of your head & into your body
Being in your body—rather than in your head—is a really important step that takes sexy times from good to oh my Lord!!
Being in your body means:
• Being in touch with what your body is sensing
• Connecting with the experience, moment to moment
• Following the feeling of your body and letting it guide you, rather than just your mind.
This helps you follow the intelligence of your body and create space for incredible sensation, connection, and deep intimacy — for yourself AND your partner.
Your mind will pipe up, saying, but I want her to like me! Make sure you’re doing a spectacular job! Flip over—this is not your best angle!
Rest assured: being present takes you from going through the motions into a powerful dance of skin, sweetness, magic, intensity. Like, wow.
A simple practice to get out of your head and into your body
1. When you’re touching and kissing your partner, start noticing the sensations at your fingertips. Put all your attention into this part of your body.
2. Notice what’s feeling good and what’s not. (There’s no right or wrong here—just noticing what’s bringing you pleasure and what’s not.)
3. When your mind starts being noisy, bring the attention back to the sensations.
4. Slowly let your attention start flowing to other parts of your body. Your forearms, shoulders, neck, mouth… Belly, hips, crotch… Notice the sensations in each part.
5. Let yourself melt into this pleasure, as it is. You don’t need to change anything or make it look different. These tiny pleasures are like tiny orgasms!
6. Keep noticing the pleasure and let yourself follow it. Allow your body to drive—it’s extremely intelligent when it comes to creating pleasure. Watch this short video for more detail on this.
#2 Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Movies have made us believe that good sex is supposed to be silent. Or at least, there’s moaning and maybe dirty talk, but there’s no ‘communication’.
Communication is what opens up trust, care, and the ability to actually give and receive pleasure in ways that work. It's what allows you and your partner to create fireworks-pleasure and melt into the experience.
This means being able to say what you want and don’t want, and also ask for that intel from your partner.
I resisted bedroom communication for years because I thought it was too awkward. Ruined the mood. Shouldn’t we just know what each other want?
As two humans with bodies that change day to day, moment to moment, there’s no way you’re going to be able to guess what someone wants at every moment. Especially someone who’s brand new to you!
A yummy, non-awkward communication practice
Before the bedroom
1. Before you even get to the bedroom (perhaps at dinner, wherever), chat to your partner about communication. Let them know that you’d love for them to tell you what feels good for their body. You can do this in a sweet and sexy kind of way too—it can be quite an arousing conversation.
2. Ask them how they feel about sharing that info and hearing it from you.
3. Some folks might feel shy to talk about what they want. That’s ok! With empathy, explore why. The closer you can get to both being comfy with saying what you want, the better.
In the bedroom
1. When you’re in the bedroom and getting intimate with your partner (you’re going down on them, giving a massage, y’know), ask them,
How could I make this more perfect for you?
This is an easy, non-awkward way for your partner to give instructions to increase pleasure, or encourage you to keep going.
It’s important you afford yourself the same openness and encourage your partner when something’s feeling great (verbally, through sounds) or give clear instruction on what you’d want different (verbal).
It’s how you can go from good to GREAT.
Here are 27 other simple ways to maximise pleasure beyond asking “Is this okay?”
#3 Circulate & amplify energy
Energy can run high when intimacy gets going (especially with new lovers). Or sometimes shyness means it can take time to build.
The energy may either explode before things have gotten started (especially with male-bodied folks), or feel a little inert.
To build and maintain your energy to support deliciously long, connected and intense intimacy, use breath and visualisation.
A practice to cultivate, maintain & move energy
1. When you’re in the bedroom and getting intimate with your partner, let your breath relax, deepen, and fill your belly.
2. Visualise your breath as a circle, with no pause between the inhale and the exhale.
Your inhale moves breath down the front of your body to your perineum (the area between your genitals and your anus, also known as the root chakra). The exhale moves breath up the back of your body to the top of your head (crown chakra).
You’re creating an energy loop in your body, guided by breath.
Remember, energy flows where attention goes: where you put your attention, energy follows. You don’t have to push and pull the energy—just focus on the chakra you are breathing into and the energy will follow.
3. Visualise the energy passing through each part of the loop: slowly building and flowing with each up and down. Visualise the energy moving freely, not getting stuck in any one place (like genitals).
Male-bodied folks with early ejaculation issues: if you feel like you’re gonna come too quickly, keep visualising the energy moving through the circle: draw the energy down your front body, through your genitals, down to your perineum, up your spine, and round again.
Explosive orgasms (i.e. ejaculation) happen when the energy has built in your genitals and wants to shoot outwards. Drawing the energy back into and around the body—rather than quickly shooting it out of one place—means you can build the energy for longer (make love for longer) and have more choice over when you want to ejaculate.
This can take some practice, so do keep experimenting with it! It's so worth it. You can practice during self-pleasuring too.
4. Keep breathing through this loop, welcoming the energy to build gradually throughout your body. Remember that you’re not forcing it—you’re welcoming it and ushering it in, letting it move at its own pace and rhythm.
Pro tip: use vocal sounds (like sighing on your out breath) and movement to help the energy build and flow.
#4 Let go of expectations
You already are a sex magician. You’re doing great. You don't need to live up to whatever strange expectations society’s built around erotic performance.
Your sex doesn’t need to follow the same 5-step process (with that ending) as everyone else either.
Tantra shows that connecting with your authentic desires, rhythms, pace, and imagination is where epic sex happens.
You got this.
A practice to let go of expectations
Before the bedroom
1. Decide right now that you'll let go of expectations and goals in the bedroom. Choose to let go of the usual this, then that, then that, then this. Make a promise to yourself to experiment with following your own desires, rhythms, pace, and imagination (and inviting your partner's into the mix too).
In the bedroom
1. Use your meditation prowess to notice when you're trying to achieve a goal. Thank your mind for trying to help you.
2. Consciously breathe, feel into your body, and follow your pleasure (#1), check in with your partner to see what's feeling great for them (#2), and let your energy flow (#3) — see where your magical sex powers guide you!
May you enjoy these Tantric approaches to sexy times. Any questions or comments, email me.
Deepen your play, expression, and confidence: book tickets to my upcoming workshops!