The best self-pleasure meditation to
build self-love + confidence
When I first started getting help for my clinical depression, anxiety, disordered eating, body image issues, and intimacy hang ups, I explored many different healing modalities.
One practice was a GAME CHANGER for my self-worth, body-confidence, anxiety, and sense of authentic sexiness.
What was it?
Self-pleasuring with awareness. In other words, mindful masturbation.
I love when healing is fun, not exclusively talk-y and mind-y, and most importantly, it works!
Seven years later, I still use this practice regularly and it’s a core home play practice I give to my clients who want to reclaim Life and reignite their bodies.
What is mindful self-pleasuring?
This self-pleasuring is about really making love to yourself.
Self-pleasuring as a self-loving, soul-nourishing practice.
Self-pleasuring as a meditation:
being without judgment or expectation
being present, not goal-focussed
letting the senses guide (rather than the mind)
being in total wild, abandoned authenticity and not performing
opening to possibility, connection, and Love
finding healing and release
experiencing Cosmic connection.
It’s more than just getting off or a way of getting to sleep!
There's an unfortunate similarity between capitalism and the way we do intimacy. Both are obsessed with efficiency and products. Work + produce and do it fast! Likewise, we masturbate real quick. One goal: coming. Get there pronto.
Slowing it right down changes everything. Remove the agenda. Make love to yourself. With all the deliciousness, generosity, love and time that you would give to your partner.
This is what self-pleasure can give you
Pleasure. So much more than you may have ever experienced. Bringing awareness to the sensations, you can really feel and enjoy, intensely. You can give yourself pleasure exactly how you want it.
Play. There was this immense feeling of possibility. Aliveness. Hilariousness. When you release the single goal of quickly orgasming, there is so much potential for all sorts of sensual delight.
Love. ‘Self-love’ can often feel elusive? How do you actually build self-love muscles?? This is how.
Often, love, generosity and care are often directed toward other people: your lover, your pet, your Mum. Self pleasuring mindfully, you direct this toward yourself. Powerful.
During my first mindful masti, I actually cried for half an hour and pretty much had a love-orgasm. Best therapy+healing ever. Life. Changed.
Power. You can give yourself the love, pleasure, relaxation and joy that you crave from others. You needn’t depend on them! You can build your power, fill your cup and overflow with joy, Love and ecstasy onto all your lovers, friends, art, world. Learn to cultivate this power — it’s always on tap.
This kind of self-pleasuring also transformed the way I made love.
One of the best sex moves is possibility. Feeling like an adventure could happen (rather than the predictable 1. kiss, 2. hands, 3. oral, 4. penetration, 5. nap). This practice allows you to let go of agendas and open up the scope for authentic adventure.
Being able to feel fully alive and turned on in your own body is fundamental to great intimacy with partners. Satisfying yourself and then connecting with partners from a place of desire (I want you!) and not neediness (I need you to solve my lack) is big too.
You are responsible for your own pleasure. Not your partner. Knowing what you like means you can be active rather than passive in love-making. You experience more pleasure and your partner feels joy in being able to give you the experiences that feel good for you. You mindfully self-pleasuring means everyone wins.
The GAME-CHANGER self-pleasure practice:
Set aside half an hour. The first 25 minutes is active pleasuring, the last five are relaxing and reflecting. Don’t skimp out on this. (Note: your computer or external media are not invited to the bed)
Make a nice little space—as if for a lover that you’re trying to impress (you!). Candles and nice lighting, rugs, warmth…
Lying down, close your eyes and begin to meditate like normal. Become aware of your breath and sensations in your body. Notice your thoughts, but don’t get attached to them.
Think about your intentions. What do you ideally want to receive, let go, or experience? Self-love, confidence, ease, play? Open yourself to receive that.
When you’re ready, start gently caressing your skin with the love, tenderness, intensity as you would with your lover. Go for the unusual/yummy places – knees, inner thighs, neck, wrists (don’t go straight for your crotch!).
Listen to your body. How does it want to be touched? Slower? Firmer? Touch it like that. Be the lover you long for.
Move as if you are with this lover. Seduce yourself. Squeeze your ankles. Slip your straps off. Flip yourself over! Let your fingers dig in, pull, caress. Make love to yourself. Don’t be shy!
Keep touching yourself, everywhere. Jaw, ass, waist…
Welcome arousal and include your genitals if that’s what your body wants. Let your body (not your mind) guide. Do you want to be really… softlyyyyyy… entered..? Feel a really gentle grip? Something else? Do that. Make love to yourself exactly as you want.
Be generous. Take your time. You’re not trying to come as quick as you can. You’re here to feeeeel pleasure… play. Explore. What else feels good? What else can I try?
After 25 minutes or so, bring your love-making to a close and have a five-minute post-romp snuggle with yourself. Relax, reflect. How was that for you? How did you feel? Journal for a few minutes afterwards.
The first few times I did it, my body wanted to go to stage two only. Not what I expected. I went really slowly and I didn’t even end up touching my cooch... and it felt amazing to do that. As I said, I cried. It was the first time I’d ever given myself love so actively, generously.
A note on orgasm
It’s quite radical to remove goals and the requirement to orgasm.
So much of perfectionism, performance anxiety, boring routine, mental overload is from following habit and what the mind thinks is a good idea.
You’re free to come in this practice, but orgasm is not the objective. The intention is play. Pleasure. Connection. Healing. Adventure. Love. Awareness. Hot f’ing. With yourself. With your heart. With possibility. And if you come, cool :)
Also, if you currently don’t masturbate at all because it’s something you just don’t do/you don’t turn yourself on, perhaps this could be an opportunity to try it out. Explore.
Over to you
Your home play for your mental wellness, self-love, erotic and body-confidence, pleasure upgrading, connection with Love itself: self pleasure.
For truly transformational results, I recommend doing this full meditation at least 1-3 times a week, and, bringing daily mindful attention to pleasure in your body, even for just two minutes in the shower, while you’re dressing, or eating.
Let’s work together
If this has stirred something in you and you want to dive in deeper, I got your back.
With expertise in mindful sexuality and relating, embodied arts, Tantra, and shamanic healing, I help people:
Build self-love, self-worth and compassion
Feel more confident about your body
Heal unhelpful mental looping, worry, depression or anxiety
Find ease, vibrance, connection and confidence in relationships and intimacy (and attracting the right partners)
Discover how to live their full potential with ease (not feeling like they’re constantly 'underperforming')
Move through fear, guilt, and shame
Heal trauma and contractedness
Become authentically expressed, confidently (like you were as a kid!)
Remove blockages and feel aliiiive (like you were as a kid!)
Become more orgasmic and more able to joyfully give and receive pleasure
Get off the treadmill of ‘life’ and trusting Life instead
There are two ways to work with me:
1. In 90-minute Skype 1:1 sessions,
I guide you in embodied practices, including
breath and sense-based meditation,
… to go beyond our 'shoulds', negative mind chatter, past experiences that shut us down, fear, guilt and shame — whatever's holding us back.
2. in-person events.
Ranging from short evening workshops, day and weekend workshops, and 1-week retreats.
Appropriate for singles, people in relationship(s), and people of all orientations, cis, trans and non-binary folks, queer and straight folks. Some workshops are exclusively for people who identify as women. Check out what’s happening near you.
Any Qs, get in touch. I look forward to hearing from you!