Are you dating Edward scissorhands?

I have a soft spot for Johnny Depp. 

But I especially have a soft spot for JD in Edward Scissorhands…

He’s so cute and awkward and innocent!

I happened to watch it again a few months ago.

I noticed how sweet Edward is and so eager, desperate, to connect with people. He just wants to love and be loved. And especially with the woman he fancies, Kim. He really wants to be close to her. To connect. To feel her so near…

It’s hard for him though because, well, he has scissors instead of hands.

Everytime he tries to come close, he cuts instead of caresses. He punctures instead of holds. Accidentally. It’s not his intention…

Do you know that feeling? Where you want to come closer to someone, but then you somehow end up pushing them away? Maybe it’s something you’ve said or done (or NOT said or done)...

Or maybe you’ve had that happen to you, where someone you care about a lot suddenly seems to put up all these barriers to connection.

It’s like innocently coming in for a hug and getting a painful surprise of a nick or gash instead.

Edward — and his scissorhands — is not just a character in a movie; he’s a character inside each of us (and the people you’re close with).

There’s a part in us that resists intimacy (the Scissorhands), despite other parts of us wanting it…

This matters because we want to have relationships that work. That feel close and real. That are going somewhere meaningful. Yet, we sabotage them because we don’t trust that we’re safe to surrender to this love and intimacy. 

Understanding this inner conflict — in ourselves and the people we’re close to — can help us navigate our relationships more compassionately and ultimately find what we really want: genuine connection with safety.

So how did we get stuck with these scissorhands, anyway?

Edward got his through some spooky science experiment.   

How did you get yours? How did your lover get his?

Let’s understand what these scissorhands are — they’re protective mechanisms. 

They formed in order to protect you from something: threat. Danger.

At one point in your life (possibly when you were very young), you had an experience that made this part understand that “X” (vulnerability, love, women, honesty, closeness, etc.) was dangerous. Perhaps you had an intense experience of shaming, abandonment, or rejection... This part believed it is better to avoid than to make yourself vulnerable again.

So it formed its own unique defensive mechanism to make sure you stay ‘safe’ (say hello to your very own brand of scissorhands).

Maybe you can recognize (just some of) these defensive mechanisms in your world…

  • Emotional withdrawal

  • Criticism and blame

  • Defensiveness

  • Avoiding physical closeness

  • Unpredictable behavior

  • Stonewalling

  • Projection

  • Gaslighting

  • Sarcasm and teasing

  • Silent treatment

  • Jealousy and possessiveness

  • Withholding affection as punishment

  • Hyper-independence

  • Minimizing

  • Leaving

Ouch.

This stuff hurts. Naturally the person on the receiving end flinches and retreats. It doesn’t build the space for connection and deep intimacy.

As far as this defensive mechanism goes, it’s job done!

But this doesn’t leave you in good stead for deep relationships.

What to do?

How to trade in the scissorhands for warmth and openness that builds connection?

Talk to the protective mechanism. Your scissorhands.

Find out what it is really protecting and what it’s afraid will happen if it stops doing its job. 

For example, your defensiveness. What is your defensiveness afraid will happen if it’s not doing its job of avoiding all criticism and blame?

Maybe it’s afraid you will feel unworthy if those criticisms touch you… So it has to stay defensive to make sure you don’t feel so bad…

There are no ‘bad’ parts — each one is just trying to help with its own strategy. Even the scissorhand variety…

When you hear what the defensive part says, does it make sense to you? I want to keep you away from criticism because I don’t trust that you’ll handle how bad it feels when the unworthiness gets touched

Let it know you get it.

Then let it know that you’re there. It’s not alone in protecting you from the difficult feelings of unworthiness. You’re here to hold you, to look after you.

Let it feel you.

And notice how everything relaxes…

With this, YOU (your Self) can start to lead the situation and relationship, not the defensive part.

You become more self-led, not scissorhands-led.

That’s when your relationship can become truly healthy and life-giving.

This approach to healing is based on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework. If you’d like help in your relationships, contact me about 1:1 online sessions informed by IFS.

I like how the sessions get to the root cause of the problem. I have done years of talk therapy and it wasn’t until I started somatic therapy and addressed the trauma stored in my body that I saw a significant improvement in my life. Caitlyn’s 1:1 sessions are more value for money than other therapy options I have tried.
— Nicole, Teacher, Australia
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Sexuality, spirituality, Bwiti + growth: a talk with me and my first spiritual father