How to know what you *actually* want

For many years, I was intent on doing the ‘right’ thing.

The thing I thought other people would want.

I was being a good girl, making sure I was pleasing you, them and everyone else.

Say the right thing, do the right thing, show up in the right way.

It all came to a crunch when I was 24 when I realised how blocked I was in my sexuality.

I was so concerned about getting it right and making sure the other person was having a good time.

I was hypervigilant — watching myself (ensuring I don’t do something ‘wrong’) but I was also totally invisible to myself (what I really wanted was totally under my radar).

It was all very knotty in my mind… And it showed in so many places in my life…

And so I found my way to Tantra.

It was in my first Tantra workshops where I began to learn about desire.

Authentic desire.

Knowing what you really want.

Authentic desire definitely relates to the bedroom, but it relates to all your life. Work. Food. Clothes. Travel. Partners. Needs. Homes. Money.

When I started to feel what I really wanted, a lot of things changed for me.

Yes, my pleasure. Intimacy became a whole new playing field. I started to understand Esther Perel when she says, “sex is not something you do, it’s a place you go.”

But the main thing that shifted was that I started to listen to myself, care about how I was feeling and do something about it. This was so pivotal. Really self-love in practice.

Becoming more led by my truth, I ended up quitting my job, moving to Melbourne and going to art school. I said what was real in my in friendships and relationships. I started to really become myself in general.

The truth will set you free.

The truth is inside you. Your truth.

And while it can take a few leaps of faith to put that into action, there is a naturalness that comes when you follow your inner blueprint. Bending yourself to fit into expectations or fears takes effort.

So how to know what is your truth? What is it you really want?

There’s a simple litmus test.

When you think about *that* something, feel into your body. Does it make you feel expanded or contracted?

Does it make you feel bigger and more yourself? Or smaller and less yourself?

Expansion shows your YES.

Contraction shows your NO.

If it’s kind of a tepid, not-much-happening kind of response, that’s also a NO.

Move towards what expands you.

That’s the direction of life.

Of course, sometimes this can be tricky because there may be competing voices within.

Maybe there’s a sense of expansion, but there’s also something that catches and freezes you in fear.

Or maybe there’s a clear contraction, but another part steps in to say, “but you really should!”

What to do?

Find that part inside you and talk to it. Ask it, what are you afraid of? What is it trying to protect you from? See if it can feel you there and see that it’s not alone… Let it feel that it’s safe. And ask it to let you lead. 

(If you have a part like this, you may want support to understand and unknot some of its apprehensions.)

Listen to yourself. Your truth is speaking to you. 

Slowly, slowly, at your pace, it’s safe to follow your authentic desire. That which expands you…

With love,

Caitlyn