But what about your needs?
One pattern I’ve tracked in myself is that when I really like someone, I can become really focused on them and our connection and forget about my other needs.
My need to be fully myself… I’d ignore it.
My need to feel valued… I’d quietly sweep under the rug.
My need to be cared for… I’d put out of sight and out of mind.
My need to express my emotions… I’d bite down.
My need for freedom… I’d avoid it..
It wasn’t a conscious thing — I just really, really cared about them and our connection. They just got my attention and my needs didn’t…
But the thing is, this isn’t sustainable.
Needs are kind of like “nutrients” required by an organism to maintain survival and wellbeing…
When you meet these needs (within yourself, in relationships, in the work you do, in the way you show up in the world), you feel good. Peaceful. Alive. In harmony.
When your needs aren’t met, you don’t feel so good. Tight. Contracted. Depressed. Anxious.
That’s your body telling you something's not quite right and please do something about it. Like the blinking light on your dashboard to say there is 100ml of petrol left — it’s simply a sign to pay attention and take action.
It’s quite a simple calculus:
Needs are met = feel good.
Needs are not met = don’t feel good.
ALL humans have needs. YOU have needs. How you feel and your needs matter.
Especially if you’re an empath, it’s easy to let the needs of others take precedence over yours. Your partner, your family, your work, your mother, your neighbor, the planet — everyone and everything else seems to come before your needs… And sometimes you don’t even realize it because you’re so focused on everyone else!
But this can’t go on forever without some sign of disturbance within your mind, heart, body or life. Eventually the calculus will churn its math and something will crack…
If you’re feeling something on the tight and depressed end of the spectrum, tune and see if there are some needs that aren’t being met. It might be with yourself, in your relationship, with those you are close to, your work, or more broadly… Sometimes it can also be a ‘legacy need’ which is when it’s something your inner child is asking for (e.g. you didn’t feel safe and heard as a kid and this part still holds this burden — it wants to feel it now and it’s letting you know this by showing up as anxiety).
Knowing your needs that are or aren’t being met can help identify what's already working and what needs to shift to feel more aligned.
Here are some core needs you can reflect on:
This list comes from Dr Paris Williams.
Needs to exist:
Physical sustenance
Safety
Peace/ease
Existential belonging
Spiritual communion
Needs to feel supported:
Love
Care/concern
Companionship
Relational belonging
Needs to be free:
Autonomy
Self-agency
Choice
Empowerment
Confidence
Fun/adventure
Needs to be authentic:
Truth/honesty
Acceptance by others
Self-acceptance
Self-connection
Needs to feel worth:
To be valued
To contribute
Self-worth
This is big stuff.
If you’re feeling like there are some needs here that aren’t being met, it doesn’t have to stay like that — It’s possible to get your needs met! Or to change the situation if they’re not…
Working with a mindful-somatic practitioner 1:1 can be helpful to effectively identify and meet needs AND to identify what’s interfering with getting those needs met. (Often it’s core beliefs that block us from getting what we truly need!). Book a complimentary 30 min discovery call to find out more about mindful somatic 1:1 sessions.
“I find Caitlyn’s work so powerfully holistic and embodied — it gets to the heart of things without any overthinking. Instead, you’re feeling and sensing with guided techniques and support. I was doing other therapies that separated body and mind like talk-therapy and bodywork, but Caitlyn’s modalities bring them together. It’s very powerful.”
