Why it’s okay to be angry at your parents and not ‘justify’ their behavior (i.e. not spiritually bypassing)
Parents.
Those dear, dear parents.
They were doing their best, it’s true.
At every moment, we’re operating with what we’ve got (including programs and positive/negative experiences we received as kids) and making the choices we can. Sometimes we’re doing it out of survival, sometimes we’re doing it out of something higher and more mature than that…
This doesn’t excuse behavior, but it does give some insight…
Yet have you ever heard yourself say this about your parents?
“Oh, but they didn’t know any better”
or
“They did it because ‘hurt people hurt people’”
or
"They had their own struggles to deal with."
We can jump to excuse our parents because it can feel bad to hold a grudge against them — the kid-part of us feels a kind of primal urge to be in harmony with them. This part may feel it’s safer just to look the other way… It may also be painful or confusing to linger on what really happened, so we just quickly ‘forgive’ it and move on.
But if you want to heal the unfinished business from your childhood, you have to let yourself feel what you *actually* feel. So before you jump football fields in forgiving them, how do you feel about what happened to you then?
When they said that thing.
When they didn’t show up.
When they didn’t give you what you needed.
When they did that thing, but they shouldn’t have.
Sad?
Angry?
Confused?
Frustrated?
Disappointed?
It’s okay to be honest with yourself and feel that. It’s essential you let yourself do so and not jump to excusing what happened.
Otherwise, it’s a form of spiritual bypass. Spiritual bypass is when you use spiritual/healing beliefs or practices to avoid dealing with unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, or uncomfortable feelings. Instead of digesting these difficult emotions or experiences, you quickly turn to things like forgiveness, positive thinking, or transcendence to sidestep the work of healing.
This kind of spiritual bypass is a form of avoidance. It means you may feel a temporary or superficial sense of peace while the underlying issues remain…
If you want to heal it, you have to let yourself feel it.
Including the anger. The disappointment. The loss.
This is not to say that you should endlessly hold a grudge against your parents or retaliate with the same kind of behaviour you felt hurt from. No, the key is to let yourself feel your feelings associated with the experiences so that you don’t have to keep holding onto them.
Then you are open to genuine emotional and spiritual growth. Then you open to genuine forgiveness, because you’ve let go of the undigested material, no longer holding it in your subconscious. You become more free.
Want support in working through unfinished business from childhood? Find out about 1:1 mindful-somatic sessions (informed by Internal Family Systems) and book a 30-minute discovery call with me (free).
“At first I didn’t understand the importance of developing a relationship with my inner child. Through FEELING the trauma and emotions of the past, I have opened myself up to a lot more freedom in the present moment.”
