6 Keys to stop comparing yourself with others

Feb 13

In my early 20s, I non-stop compared myself to others.

I had strict criteria of what I thought was impressive and likable. I did my best to stick to them.

Be thin. Be funny. Be smart. Get high marks. Say the right things. Say yes. Say no. Get a well-paying job. Wear stylish clothes that are unique, but ‘in’.

I thought I had to earn being liked. That I might not be liked if I was just me (lovely, but imperfect).

My brain’s subconscious mantra was, make sure you’re doing the right things so people like you.

It was competitive work: to ensure I’d be liked, I had to be the best (or in the top tier, at least).

Am I thinner than her? Is what I said as clever as what she said? Is my outfit more cute, sexy and unique than hers? Did I hit the mark?

Constantly comparing myself to others, I could never really celebrate another person’s success because subconsciously, I thought that could be a threat to how impressive I am.

It sounds so sad to say, but this is honestly how my brain was working.

I suffered in friendships and relationships too. For some reason I believed I was always at risk of being evicted from my friendships and needed to maintain good levels of being impressive to stay in. I never let myself totally relax and just be myself as I am, because that might mean they’d see I’m not truly good enough to be loved…

I never truly celebrated my friends when good things happened for them. Whether it was a new job, opportunity, or outfit, I was jealous of them and afraid of their success. How isolating. I always kept myself back a bit, never allowing myself feel real sisterhood, brotherhood, or kinship. Even with having lots of wonderful friends, I felt lonely at the core of my being.

(It was a self-torture: I was always ruthlessly self-assessing, cruel. No wonder I became depressed and anxious! No wonder I started counting every calorie and ceaselessly measuring my thighs…)

I thought these behavior and beliefs ended some years back when I overcame my disordered eating and severe mental health troubles.

I was wrong.

On my very first Bwiti initiation after eating iboga (an African plant medicine), I saw many things about myself in the visions that ensued, including my sneaky persistent belief that I’m not good enough as I am and that I have to be the best in order to be liked.

Even after so many therapy sessions, retreats, healing experiences! Yes, I had made a lot of ground and definitely let go of a significant portion of this belief, mercifully finding how to remember the beauty in my natural body and natural weight, feel my body as my beloved, and find mastery in my thoughts.

But like weeding the garden, there were some toxic roots still buried and without my awareness, they’d grown into invisible brutes. I was blind to these beliefs and was nonetheless a slave to them.

I wasn’t comparing myself on weight any longer, but instead I was thinking…

She’s doing better than you. You need to do better.
She’s more beautiful than you. You need to be more beautiful.
She has a house, a child, a thriving career. You must have these things too.
She has more likes. You need to get more likes.
She’s more spiritually evolved than you. You need to up your game.
Don’t let anyone see your weaknesses! That could be game over!
Don’t say the wrong thing!
Will they like it?

Different shit, same smell.

Surprise!

That’s how the subconscious works…

On reflection, this shit is so obvious. How could I not have seen it? Somehow, it escaped detection until I ate sacred wood (iboga) during initiation....

Thank you Spirit for revealing this to me.

In the visions, I saw how much energy I spent constantly wondering what other people thought of me, what I make, and what I do. How tiring. How depleting for my heart.

I saw how what I put into the world could come with more air, ease, joy. Without the second-guessing and self-assessment.

I saw how yucky it was to be my friend when I was so competitive.

I even saw my beloved nieces (who were aged 7 and 10) who I celebrated and adored completely. I saw how if I continued with these beliefs and behaviours, I would make my beloved nieces into my enemies as they grow up into young women: competing with them, not celebrating and encouraging them (or worse, putting them down).

I felt sick when I saw this. Sad.

My belief that I’m not good enough and need to earn love not only hurt me, it can hurt the people I adore.

It was toxic. And for me to be in my power and Love, it needed to stop.

I’m so grateful to have seen this! So I could let it go before it rots me and my relationships.

During the initiation, I also saw how I don’t have to be the best (and make sure other people are less) to be loved. How my worth is not something that I can earn.

I could see how I don’t have to allow my cruel thoughts to be King. That I can be more masterful in what I allow to populate my mind.

And in many journeys before this initiation, I saw how utterly love-able, beautiful, adore-able, precious I am. From every angle. In every moment.

I saw that I can allow myself to really believe this to be true. I am enough.

Knowledge is power.

But it means nothing without action.

It’s all about putting it into practice.

I had to do something. Inspired by the African plant medicine, this is how:

6 Keys to stop comparing yourself with others

1. With mindful awareness, observe your thoughts and catch yourself when you start to get into comparison. This includes Instagram. Stop your mind going into ‘that’ narrative. This is the first and most crucial step.

2. Give yourself genuine affirmations a lot: I love you, darling. You’re doing amazingly. I’m so proud of you. Keep going. We are searching for love, so give this to yourself! Ironically, you’re the person you ultimately want it from most of all.

3. Comparison happens in the mind, not the heart. Tune into your heart and follow that, rather than stories of the mind. To do this, imagine your heart has a little mouth and breathe through this center in my chest. Bring all your awareness to this center and feeeeel. Say, I’m listening. Spirit (Universe, God..), help me to hear and follow my heart. When you ask, your receive.

4. Get support — call a friend, phone your mama, speak with a professional who can help you.

5. Do what empowers you and makes your heart feel full. What feels really good? Snuggling the cat, being in nature, listening to uplifting music, self-pleasuring? When you change your state (your physiology), the rest will follow.

6. Choose to trust life. Choose to trust that everything is perfect and that you’re not supposed to be living anyone else’s life. You’re supposed to be living your life and you’re exactly where you need to be. It’s just a belief in your mind that says otherwise.

For me, the belief of not being good enough and having to earn my love by being the best affected me for 20+ (more?) years. It’s been a deep and slippery journey of reprogramming. I need to flip the script with love, gentleness and unyielding focus.

Still I can sometimes hear voices of comparison and fear of not being good enough…

It’s okay, Caitlyn. I love you.

It takes patience.

We’re evolving. That’s the whole point. We’re in the right place, at the right time. Diving deeper.

Let’s keep going.

If you want to stop comparing yourself to others, move toward being in your body, not stuck in your head. If this is something you'd love a bit of support on, join me for my upcoming online workshop, Out of the Mind & Into the Body.