Sacrificing your authenticity to keep the connection (or _________)
I know when I authentically desire something — when I think about having it, I feel expanded, enthusiastic, calm.
I know when I don’t authentically desire something — when I think about having it, I feel contracted, flat, annoyed.
This has been one of the most important ways I show love to myself: to listen to what I really want and let myself do that (and not do the other stuff).
And yet…
I recently noticed myself saying yes to things I don’t want.
Specifically, I was saying yes to spending time with people I don’t want to spend time with.
I noticed when I was out one night, drinking a white wine in the city with sort of long-time-ago acquaintance.
The wine was nice, the conversation was nice, the place was nice, but…. I didn’t feel a real YES to be there.
I didn’t feel a sense of expandedness, enthusiasm, calm…
So why was I there?
What compelled me to agree to meet, even when I didn’t want it?
I leaned into this question and noticed…
I wanted connection.
A part of me felt it was more important to keep connection, to stay part of the ‘team’, than to be authentic.
This part really values connection and being part of a community.
But in this moment, it came at the cost of my authenticity.
This is a common thing for many us — when one need gets sacrificed for another.
Like with addicts — the need to not feel pain trumps the need for trusted connection with others. So they take the drugs and suffer broken relationships afterwards.
Like with broken relationships — the need to stay together trumps the need to follow one’s truth and admit you’ve gone separate ways.
Like with good girls — the need to please others trumps the need to say what you really mean and be how you really are.
Actually, this is a survival response to temporarily satisfy needs, but it ends up harming.
In the end, this is not a effective calculus.
When you perpetually favour one need and neglect the others, you’re not listening to your truth.
This limits your aliveness. The amount of life force (joy, power) in your body diminishes.
When you’re not fully living your truth, it’s harder to smile.
Life feels a little more heavy.
You can feel tightness in your chest.
There’s less momentum and play.
There’s a stone in your proverbial shoe…
In my case, would the connection be worth it if it costs my authenticity?
Or might there be a way to keep connection AND my authenticity…
Or perhaps I could just let it go and trust that I will be okay, even without this connection…
There are ways to satisfy your needs that SUPPORT you rather than undermine your wholeness.
These growth-oriented resources aren’t about escaping and pushing away, they’re associated with deep connection with yourself, others or the world.
The key is to notice what needs are being unmet and to meet them consciously. To choose ways to serve these needs that also support your joy and wellbeing.
In the end, I felt the truth of what I really wanted and accepted letting this connection go. Not ‘ending’ it, just not giving my energy to it.
To the part of me that longs for connection: I place a warm hand on my body. I remind this part that I’m deepening the connections I have already, and particularly the connection with myself! I’m safe. I’m okay as I am. Relax.
And for you?
Do you notice yourself sacrificing one need for another?
Here’s a list of needs (via Dr Paris Williams) that you might recognise are battling it out to be met in your life right now:
Needs to exist:
Physical sustenance
Safety
Peace/ease
Existential belonging
Spiritual communion
Needs to feel supported:
Love
Care/concern
Companionship
Relational belonging
Needs to be free:
Autonomy
Self-agency
Choice
Empowerment
Confidence
Fun/adventure
Needs to be authentic:
Truth/honesty
Acceptance
by others
Self acceptance
Self connection
Needs to feel worth:
To be valued
To contribute
Self-worth
If you’d like support in the world of needs, relationships (with yourself and others), and being in your authentic rhythm, talk to me about mindful-somatic 1:1 sessions.
Book your complimentary 30-minute discovery call here.
