6 Keys for dealing with emotionally immature family
Ever have that feeling of whiplash when you go back to spend time with your family?
Like, you feel fairly contented and you’ve got sh*t together when you’re at home... You’re in your rhythm. Your way of doing things. Self-actualised in your own way.
But then you visit your fam for the holidays and your mum says something to you as you’re peeling carrots in the kitchen… Your blood boils and you snap back at her like you’re a child again.
Or it’s simply just super confronting being around people who are so different to you. Who show up in the world so differently… Who value such different things to you.
I had that a bit on my recent trip to New Zealand.
And I know for heaps of people at this time of year, it’s a thing.
If you’re receiving this email, it’s because you’re interested in self-reflection.
Not all people are.
Often, the people in our family are not as interested in self-growth, unpacking wounds and becoming more self-aware.
This can be tough.
So how can we handle the people who we love but we find kind of emotionally immature?
How can we avoid going into the old family dynamics where we play out old patterns?
The first thing to realise is that these patterns are operating at a subconscious level. They’re automatic. Just like when you draw your hand away from a hot element on the stove — it’s not a choice, it just happens.
When your brother says *that thing* that rubs you up the wrong way, you’re often not thinking about your reaction, you’re just reacting. They’re hitting that sensitive part (that has been hit so many times in the past and can bring up a lot of pain).
So, what to do? How to step out of going into 'automatic'?
1. Notice how you’re feeling, especially in your body
Your self-possession is super important, but for that you need to know how you’re doing within.
Are you feeling regulated or dysregulated? i.e. is your nervous system in a state of survival or calm?
Look for the clues:
Does your body feel relaxed, open and alive or tight, panicky or numb?
Are you feeling balanced and within your capacity or on-edge, hyper-alert or overwhelmed?
Are you emotionally balanced and able to respond or super reactive and snappy?
Can you concentrate and form coherent thoughts or are you distracted?
Do you have a normal appetite or none at all / overeating?
Are you feeling connected to the present time and place or are you excessively thinking about the past/future?
Can you move slow or fast according to what’s needed or is your dial set on ‘hyper speed’ or super slow?
Are you feeling rested and full of energy or are you drained?
Can you access a full range of emotions and sensations or are you operating in a narrow bandwidth of feeling?
If you’re dysregulated and you’re going into survival mode, you’ll likely find yourself becoming more reactive.
Keep attentive to the feelings in your body, your mind and emotions.
2. Regulate and resource
If you’re edging into dysregulation or survival mode, bring yourself into more balance. Resourcing helps you feel more stable and nourished at the somatic level. This means your body begins to feel relaxed.
Resourcing could include…
Taking a few deep breaths
Placing a hand on your chest or body and taking a few breaths
Picking up the cat and cuddling her cuteness
Spending some time outside
Going for a walk with someone you really feel good with
Imagining yourself in a calm place
Let yourself hang out here with a resource. Let your body equalise with it so your nervous system switches back into a state of balance.
3. Change the subject, change the space
When you start to notice yourself becoming dysregulated with family, let yourself change it up.
You’re not a child anymore. You have agency. You can do what you need to look after yourself and make this dynamic work for you.
So feel free to shift the subject. Leave the room. Do something different.
You can say something like…
"Let's switch topics for a moment…”
“I’d prefer not to talk about that, let’s detour from our current topic…”
"Let's steer the conversation in a new direction… "
4. Know the trigger points — and don’t go there
There are certain things I know if I bring up with my family, we’re destined for the land of hairy arguments.
If you’re dealing with emotionally immature people, you might have the same thing in your family.
Know the topics to avoid and when you feel the conversation edging toward them, just go the other direction.
This can also take some self-mastery because there may be some parts of you that WANT to trigger people.
Watch those parts…
And let your mature parts be in charge.
Otherwise you end up having your foot on the accelerator, but hands off the wheel.
5. Release and digest your emotions in a safe place
Your emotional body is often what pulls the trigger on some of these situations. Your blood is just boiling to the point where you can’t keep it together anymore.
So to keep your balance, let yourself process your emotions in a safe place — not in the kitchen while peeling carrots with your mum.
Go into the bedroom and scream into your hands.
Jump and stomp your feet.
Throw a tantrum on the bed.
Put some music on or do them silently…
Let your emotions move before they move you.
6. Rewrite the pattern: Find the root of what’s going on and process that
You can manage these patterns or you can re-write them.
To do that, you need to understand why these dynamics are playing out: there are vulnerable parts within that got hurt when you were young (like when you got shamed by your brother at age 6 or felt abandoned by your mum at age 9). Protectors within you have come forward to take care of these vulnerable parts and make sure you never feel that way again.
Because that really hurt back then…
The protectors within you are STILL playing out in these dynamics now so that you don’t feel bad.
Except they were helpful at the time (because those were the only tools you had back then), but now you’re 30 years older and these patterns are just sucking your energy. They’re not up to date with who you are now. And the kinds of relationships you want to have now…
Go to the root of these and process them. This can be done in 1:1 mindful-somatic work (like I do). If you’re interested in healing your family dynamics and being free of projecting this on your partners and friends, contact me for a discovery call.
Family might not be the easiest, but when we can go beyond the triggers and programs, we can find the deeper connection that’s underneath it all.
It’s the place where hearts can talk, not just inner 5-year-olds battling it out.
Wishing you happy holidays, deep connection and beautiful memories.
With love,
Caitlyn
